4:00 PM EST Outward Bound
“Have you got the tickets?”
“Yes Illy, I have the Tickets!!”
“Did you remember to pack the travel iron/blow dryer?” “Yes Dear It’s in your bag.”
“How about film, I don’t see the film… do we have enough 800?”
“More rolls than we need dear, it’s in the camera case, and Hey… if we run out, I’m sure that they sell Kodak in Spain.”
“How about my passport?”
“It’s in the travel folder DEAR!”
Now her beeper and cell phone are going off every two minutes. It seems that half of BellSouth, and BAPCO can’t do without her for a minute. [“You Know Who You Are!!!] “Hey… tell them you’re on vacation.” [How long is this gonna go on?] She finally turns off all electronic leashes and we’re back on task with last minute packing changes.
“Oh Honey…I just checked the 10 day weather forecast on Yahoo, it’s warming up, now I think I need to change some of the clothes we packed.”
“#$*#$*#$&” [I’m gonna kill her]
“What was that?”
“Nothing Dear… and what exactly did you want to change?”
[And just why did I do all that packing last night? Should have known that she was gonna do this.] Oh, and now she decides to adddress shoes… and more blouses and…and…..
“I’M OUTTA ROOOOMMMM….Will you finish with the add-ons already?… And, turn off the damn computer so we can finish here!!!”
“Does Greg have our itinerary in case he needs to reach us?”
“Yes dear, he and half the free world have the itinerary, and maps and phone #s and more contact #s…. and… and…
Just get in the damn car so we can make the plane on time! Sheeesssh, if this is anything like Italy, I can just hear the Ooofffing…Eeekkkking…and Yoweeees now!”
And so it begins dear family, friends, associates and innocent bystanders, the Wacky American Tourist and the indispensable [by BAPCO standards] Cuban Lady are about to invade Spain, and it will probably never be the same again… At least not if the lovely Illy and her erstwhile chauffeur have anything to do with it!!!
Before we start, I must add a brief note to all of you who risked being ostracized for eternity by polite society and who, against all sane advice, attended what had to be “The” Surprise Party of the Century on Saturday the 19th of October. The Dragon Lady, with the aid of some very special folks really pulled it off. Thanks to all who attended, it was "The Best Party I Never Threw!!!" And to all who missed it, regardless of some of the shabbiest excuses I have EVER heard, “Ya Really Missed a Fabulous Night” not to mention a chance to ROAST yours truly, which was done a bit too well, I might add!!! A big tip of the old pro’s hat to Donna who had the dubious honor of trying to make heads or tails of an incomplete contact list [pirated by the Dragon Lady before I had finished updating it] and calling a lot of very trusting, if not a bit gullible people to wind up creating the Masterpiece of an evening that she and Lenny produced. It truly was One Helluva Night. Thanks also to my dear friend and the only big brother I have ever had, Jim Heiman for loaning us the ultimate party house for the scene of the crime, Scott... you are incredible! [Beth…I will deal you later, you sneak, you!!!] It was a night I will remember... at least up until those last few Dewar’s on the rocks… and cherish forever. Thanks to you all!!!
By now most of you have received the itinerary, which in itself has been revised more times than Bill Clintons response to the Monica questions. Along with the itinerary was an internet link to a great interactive map of Spain, which, for those who are really into this sort of thing, you can zoom in and out on it and follow the main route of our travels.
Of course, given Illy’s penchant for Girare U’s [that’s Italian for U turn… I haven’t learned the Spanish term for it yet] along with our need to “get lost” a lot to discover the “Real Deal”… some roads we take WILL NOT show up on the map. Just bear with us and we’ll try to keep you, if not ourselves, on track.
As mentioned in the previous note to several of you… after a brief 2 days in Madrid, we will be renting a car and driving over 2400 Kilometers in 9 days, ending back in Madrid for a quick round up and Adios España.
We have taken Illy’s laptop along to try and make the NOWAT a bit easier to compose than waiting till we can find an internet kiosk in each stop and then trying to recap 2 or more days at a time in one brief sitting. Since we will be on the road a lot, perhaps this will keep her busy and not Ooooofffing and Eeeeeking too much as I try to drive and dictate. This could prove verrryy interesting. Then again… perhaps we should just let me have at this when we stop each night. Only time will tell.
It’s a good thing I practically grew up at Miami International Airport; it can be confusing at times. [My parents were the official ‘Pick up the Out-of-towners cause we live close to the Airport’ detail] But... if they don’t quit changing everything around every time we get a new County commission, I’ll be doing more Girare U’s than we did in Sicily!!!
So here comes Chuckie, bouncing out of the car, popping the bags from the trunk he prances right up to the curbside check in… completely ignoring the sign saying “DOMESTIC FLIGHTS ONLY”, only to be refused by the not so polite fellow there.
The ever observant Illy then points him inside to the “INTERNATIONAL DEPARTURE” Area. Opppppssss… and he was off…
After making at least 2 wrong turns, and losing Illy at the entrance [he does tend to gallop off..] we finally found the American Airline International departure counter and of course… a line. [How did I know that was gonna happen?] Chuckie figured that because we had electronic tickets we would just Breeze right thorough the check in process like the Italian escapade last year….
WRONNGGGG.
Mercifully the line was not too long, only two snake-backs but it provided some great people watching time. Truly UNBELIEVABLE what some people try to carry on a plane.
We had a nice chat with some cute British youngsters on their way home and then our number was called.
Check in was uneventful and wonder of wonders… something about our passports got us past the new electronic sniffer and x-ray process.
Ok… now to find a book store… [Yes Rene, I’m out to find “Flight of the Buffalo”] There was a cheap copy on “Ebay [$.75 AND signed by the author!] but they couldn’t get it to me in time for the flight. After a trek to the bookstore on concourse F and no luck, I decided that instead of improving my understanding of buffaloes in flight, I would improve my humor quotient via Carl Hiaasen’s new book “Sick Puppy. Heard it got good reviews so we’ll see. [Of course here I am typing this on the plane instead of reading….ooohhh welllll.]
A quick stop at the money changer for some Euro’s. [would you believe not one bank in Hollywood had them] and since it is a Bank holiday weekend in Spain, I had to get ripped off with the exchange rate here.
Now with 2 hours till the plane leaves, we stop at Casa Bacardi for some great Coconut Wings and a Mojito or two. After a couple of Smirnoff ‘n’ Tonics, the Cuban Lady was finally unwinding from a really frazzled week at BAPCO.
Did I tell you… in the last 6 months, I have moved her office 5 times?!?!?! Don’t get me started there!!!!
So now with a little “trip smoother” in her, we head off to find the plane, but first…..
“SECURITY”
Have you been through MIA International Security lately??? Talk about a cattle call…. First we get separated by some well meaning but slightly rude folks. While I’m taking out the laptop for inspection, she gets hustled off to the dreaded metal detector gate and…
“Put that case on the conveyor belt and step over here lady.”
“But it’s only my camera case. Here look…”
“Put it on the conveyor built PLEASE!”
”But … I got a lot of film in it and you guys ruined half a dozen rolls last year!!”
“OK what kinda film, Lemme See?” She opens the case, “Look… See 800ASA?”
“Put it on the Conveyor belt, anything under 1000 ASA is safe.” [Yeah….Right…]
“If it’s ruined I’m comin’ back here…”
“Put it on the belt and Step through the Gate… MAAAM!!!”
Of course…now with all her bangles and stuff the Cuban lady sets off more alarms than a clumsy safe cracker, so right off the bat they have her singled out for closer scrutiny.
“Please take off the fanny pack and put it on the Belt Maaam.”
By now she is so frazzled, she just wants to get through this all, so everything goes on the belt, she gets the once over with the magic wand and she is now waiting and fuming as I finally breeze through with the computer and loads of other electronic stuff.
“Ok Illy, what was that all about?” I ask.
“Don’t ask,” she snaps, “those rude @#$%&!#$… lets just get going.”
So now we’re hustling done the concourse to Gate E-10 [yeah…the last one, as usual] and we are almost there when she makes the unsettling observation,
“OK… this ain’t so bad…but gee… it seems like something is missing?”
We begin to look each other over and simultaneously screech: “THE CAMERA CASE!!!!”
I throw the computer at her, “Hold this…” do a quick about face and off I go.
Hey now… Remember those old O.J. Simpson, Hertz commercials where he’s running through the airport, hurdling suitcases, benches and small children? Well hold that thought…
Now picture a slightly overweight Chuckie… Hauling Ass… full tilt back to the Security Checkpoint dodging courtesy carts, coffee vendors, tour groups and… small children.
People are scattering left and right at the sight of this gray bearded madman barreling along at full gallop.
Now I get back to the security checkpoint and of course it is locked from the other side…. Arriving passengers [the direction from which I am running] are routed around security to the right. Now what to do???. But… just as someone exits I duck in, much to the consternation of the guard there…
“Left my Camera behind” I shout as I run past.
Now I’m searching franticly… Hey, I spent a lot on that Damn camera last Christmas, not to mention the 15 rolls of Film and the Extra ZOOM lens, and…. [Ok ..Ok.]
Now I can’t see it… panic REALLY sets in…Then I spot it!!!
“Oh there it is, I mumble to the now growing number of guards…Thank God!”
[Oh she is Sooooo dead!]
I stop to check the film and contents for every thing and as I start out the door past the not too happy door guard…. Here comes the Dragon Lady…. full tilt with a look of SHEER PANIC on her face…
“Don’t’ worry, I got it,” I claim, proudly waving the camera case.
“NOOOOOO” She cries out, “MY FANNY PACK…. MY PASSPORT… MY ID!!!!
“Ohhhh Shiiiitttt”… I wheel about and head back in with the not too happy guard hot on my tail, but I spot the fanny pack on the last search table, snatch it up… and now I have 3 very suspicious guards around me. Here’s this strange little man with a black leather hat, dodging in and out in a rush, grabbing stuff left and right….
But I wave the fanny Pack… point at the visibly distraught Illy, grin and say….
”She’s trying to leave without her passport…HA HA.HA!!!”
[Oh she is Sooooo Verrrrryyy Dead!]
They buy it [Ms “Sour Puss” door guard still ain’t so sure about this]… and we’re off again with a parting frown from Ms ‘Really pissed’ Door Guard.
Good thing I’ve been going to the gym…or maybe it was just raw adrenaline but I wasn’t even out of breath.
So now, with the apologetic Cuban Lady in tow, we head back to the other end of concourse E to plop down and wait for boarding to begin.
Boarding goes smoothly, at least she wasn’t randomly profiled for another semi-strip search at the gate. You won’t believe some of the folks they pulled out of line!
A little old lady [had to have been 75 if she was a year] … A guy so overweight that he couldn’t get out of his own way let alone be any threat… accept maybe to the poor soul who has to sit next to him for 8 hours.
We settled into our seats and after an uneventful take off, some most assuredly needed adult beverages [Not complimentary even… Really should have flown Alitalia again] and after an “OK” In-Flight meal, I whip out the laptop and compose this first installment of NOWAT – ESPAÑA.
We will have to wait till we find an Internet connection in Madrid to upload this, but the convenience of the laptop makes it easier to jot it all down while still fresh in mind. [I’m still getting used to the small keyboard layout… and the guy in front of me bounces around a lot …
But Hey… We’re ON OUR WAY!!!!
Ciao 4 Now
Chuck and the completely zonked, out but very content with herself, Cuban Lady..
“Yes Illy, I have the Tickets!!”
“Did you remember to pack the travel iron/blow dryer?” “Yes Dear It’s in your bag.”
“How about film, I don’t see the film… do we have enough 800?”
“More rolls than we need dear, it’s in the camera case, and Hey… if we run out, I’m sure that they sell Kodak in Spain.”
“How about my passport?”
“It’s in the travel folder DEAR!”
Now her beeper and cell phone are going off every two minutes. It seems that half of BellSouth, and BAPCO can’t do without her for a minute. [“You Know Who You Are!!!] “Hey… tell them you’re on vacation.” [How long is this gonna go on?] She finally turns off all electronic leashes and we’re back on task with last minute packing changes.
“Oh Honey…I just checked the 10 day weather forecast on Yahoo, it’s warming up, now I think I need to change some of the clothes we packed.”
“#$*#$*#$&” [I’m gonna kill her]
“What was that?”
“Nothing Dear… and what exactly did you want to change?”
[And just why did I do all that packing last night? Should have known that she was gonna do this.] Oh, and now she decides to adddress shoes… and more blouses and…and…..
“I’M OUTTA ROOOOMMMM….Will you finish with the add-ons already?… And, turn off the damn computer so we can finish here!!!”
“Does Greg have our itinerary in case he needs to reach us?”
“Yes dear, he and half the free world have the itinerary, and maps and phone #s and more contact #s…. and… and…
Just get in the damn car so we can make the plane on time! Sheeesssh, if this is anything like Italy, I can just hear the Ooofffing…Eeekkkking…and Yoweeees now!”
And so it begins dear family, friends, associates and innocent bystanders, the Wacky American Tourist and the indispensable [by BAPCO standards] Cuban Lady are about to invade Spain, and it will probably never be the same again… At least not if the lovely Illy and her erstwhile chauffeur have anything to do with it!!!
Before we start, I must add a brief note to all of you who risked being ostracized for eternity by polite society and who, against all sane advice, attended what had to be “The” Surprise Party of the Century on Saturday the 19th of October. The Dragon Lady, with the aid of some very special folks really pulled it off. Thanks to all who attended, it was "The Best Party I Never Threw!!!" And to all who missed it, regardless of some of the shabbiest excuses I have EVER heard, “Ya Really Missed a Fabulous Night” not to mention a chance to ROAST yours truly, which was done a bit too well, I might add!!! A big tip of the old pro’s hat to Donna who had the dubious honor of trying to make heads or tails of an incomplete contact list [pirated by the Dragon Lady before I had finished updating it] and calling a lot of very trusting, if not a bit gullible people to wind up creating the Masterpiece of an evening that she and Lenny produced. It truly was One Helluva Night. Thanks also to my dear friend and the only big brother I have ever had, Jim Heiman for loaning us the ultimate party house for the scene of the crime, Scott... you are incredible! [Beth…I will deal you later, you sneak, you!!!] It was a night I will remember... at least up until those last few Dewar’s on the rocks… and cherish forever. Thanks to you all!!!
By now most of you have received the itinerary, which in itself has been revised more times than Bill Clintons response to the Monica questions. Along with the itinerary was an internet link to a great interactive map of Spain, which, for those who are really into this sort of thing, you can zoom in and out on it and follow the main route of our travels.
Of course, given Illy’s penchant for Girare U’s [that’s Italian for U turn… I haven’t learned the Spanish term for it yet] along with our need to “get lost” a lot to discover the “Real Deal”… some roads we take WILL NOT show up on the map. Just bear with us and we’ll try to keep you, if not ourselves, on track.
As mentioned in the previous note to several of you… after a brief 2 days in Madrid, we will be renting a car and driving over 2400 Kilometers in 9 days, ending back in Madrid for a quick round up and Adios España.
We have taken Illy’s laptop along to try and make the NOWAT a bit easier to compose than waiting till we can find an internet kiosk in each stop and then trying to recap 2 or more days at a time in one brief sitting. Since we will be on the road a lot, perhaps this will keep her busy and not Ooooofffing and Eeeeeking too much as I try to drive and dictate. This could prove verrryy interesting. Then again… perhaps we should just let me have at this when we stop each night. Only time will tell.
5:00 PM EST - M. I. A.
[or “E’cue me señior… is this Miami or have we already landed in Spain”]It’s a good thing I practically grew up at Miami International Airport; it can be confusing at times. [My parents were the official ‘Pick up the Out-of-towners cause we live close to the Airport’ detail] But... if they don’t quit changing everything around every time we get a new County commission, I’ll be doing more Girare U’s than we did in Sicily!!!
So here comes Chuckie, bouncing out of the car, popping the bags from the trunk he prances right up to the curbside check in… completely ignoring the sign saying “DOMESTIC FLIGHTS ONLY”, only to be refused by the not so polite fellow there.
The ever observant Illy then points him inside to the “INTERNATIONAL DEPARTURE” Area. Opppppssss… and he was off…
After making at least 2 wrong turns, and losing Illy at the entrance [he does tend to gallop off..] we finally found the American Airline International departure counter and of course… a line. [How did I know that was gonna happen?] Chuckie figured that because we had electronic tickets we would just Breeze right thorough the check in process like the Italian escapade last year….
WRONNGGGG.
Mercifully the line was not too long, only two snake-backs but it provided some great people watching time. Truly UNBELIEVABLE what some people try to carry on a plane.
We had a nice chat with some cute British youngsters on their way home and then our number was called.
Check in was uneventful and wonder of wonders… something about our passports got us past the new electronic sniffer and x-ray process.
Ok… now to find a book store… [Yes Rene, I’m out to find “Flight of the Buffalo”] There was a cheap copy on “Ebay [$.75 AND signed by the author!] but they couldn’t get it to me in time for the flight. After a trek to the bookstore on concourse F and no luck, I decided that instead of improving my understanding of buffaloes in flight, I would improve my humor quotient via Carl Hiaasen’s new book “Sick Puppy. Heard it got good reviews so we’ll see. [Of course here I am typing this on the plane instead of reading….ooohhh welllll.]
A quick stop at the money changer for some Euro’s. [would you believe not one bank in Hollywood had them] and since it is a Bank holiday weekend in Spain, I had to get ripped off with the exchange rate here.
Now with 2 hours till the plane leaves, we stop at Casa Bacardi for some great Coconut Wings and a Mojito or two. After a couple of Smirnoff ‘n’ Tonics, the Cuban Lady was finally unwinding from a really frazzled week at BAPCO.
Did I tell you… in the last 6 months, I have moved her office 5 times?!?!?! Don’t get me started there!!!!
So now with a little “trip smoother” in her, we head off to find the plane, but first…..
“SECURITY”
Have you been through MIA International Security lately??? Talk about a cattle call…. First we get separated by some well meaning but slightly rude folks. While I’m taking out the laptop for inspection, she gets hustled off to the dreaded metal detector gate and…
“Put that case on the conveyor belt and step over here lady.”
“But it’s only my camera case. Here look…”
“Put it on the conveyor built PLEASE!”
”But … I got a lot of film in it and you guys ruined half a dozen rolls last year!!”
“OK what kinda film, Lemme See?” She opens the case, “Look… See 800ASA?”
“Put it on the Conveyor belt, anything under 1000 ASA is safe.” [Yeah….Right…]
“If it’s ruined I’m comin’ back here…”
“Put it on the belt and Step through the Gate… MAAAM!!!”
Of course…now with all her bangles and stuff the Cuban lady sets off more alarms than a clumsy safe cracker, so right off the bat they have her singled out for closer scrutiny.
“Please take off the fanny pack and put it on the Belt Maaam.”
By now she is so frazzled, she just wants to get through this all, so everything goes on the belt, she gets the once over with the magic wand and she is now waiting and fuming as I finally breeze through with the computer and loads of other electronic stuff.
“Ok Illy, what was that all about?” I ask.
“Don’t ask,” she snaps, “those rude @#$%&!#$… lets just get going.”
So now we’re hustling done the concourse to Gate E-10 [yeah…the last one, as usual] and we are almost there when she makes the unsettling observation,
“OK… this ain’t so bad…but gee… it seems like something is missing?”
We begin to look each other over and simultaneously screech: “THE CAMERA CASE!!!!”
I throw the computer at her, “Hold this…” do a quick about face and off I go.
Hey now… Remember those old O.J. Simpson, Hertz commercials where he’s running through the airport, hurdling suitcases, benches and small children? Well hold that thought…
Now picture a slightly overweight Chuckie… Hauling Ass… full tilt back to the Security Checkpoint dodging courtesy carts, coffee vendors, tour groups and… small children.
People are scattering left and right at the sight of this gray bearded madman barreling along at full gallop.
Now I get back to the security checkpoint and of course it is locked from the other side…. Arriving passengers [the direction from which I am running] are routed around security to the right. Now what to do???. But… just as someone exits I duck in, much to the consternation of the guard there…
“Left my Camera behind” I shout as I run past.
Now I’m searching franticly… Hey, I spent a lot on that Damn camera last Christmas, not to mention the 15 rolls of Film and the Extra ZOOM lens, and…. [Ok ..Ok.]
Now I can’t see it… panic REALLY sets in…Then I spot it!!!
“Oh there it is, I mumble to the now growing number of guards…Thank God!”
[Oh she is Sooooo dead!]
I stop to check the film and contents for every thing and as I start out the door past the not too happy door guard…. Here comes the Dragon Lady…. full tilt with a look of SHEER PANIC on her face…
“Don’t’ worry, I got it,” I claim, proudly waving the camera case.
“NOOOOOO” She cries out, “MY FANNY PACK…. MY PASSPORT… MY ID!!!!
“Ohhhh Shiiiitttt”… I wheel about and head back in with the not too happy guard hot on my tail, but I spot the fanny pack on the last search table, snatch it up… and now I have 3 very suspicious guards around me. Here’s this strange little man with a black leather hat, dodging in and out in a rush, grabbing stuff left and right….
But I wave the fanny Pack… point at the visibly distraught Illy, grin and say….
”She’s trying to leave without her passport…HA HA.HA!!!”
[Oh she is Sooooo Verrrrryyy Dead!]
They buy it [Ms “Sour Puss” door guard still ain’t so sure about this]… and we’re off again with a parting frown from Ms ‘Really pissed’ Door Guard.
Good thing I’ve been going to the gym…or maybe it was just raw adrenaline but I wasn’t even out of breath.
So now, with the apologetic Cuban Lady in tow, we head back to the other end of concourse E to plop down and wait for boarding to begin.
Boarding goes smoothly, at least she wasn’t randomly profiled for another semi-strip search at the gate. You won’t believe some of the folks they pulled out of line!
A little old lady [had to have been 75 if she was a year] … A guy so overweight that he couldn’t get out of his own way let alone be any threat… accept maybe to the poor soul who has to sit next to him for 8 hours.
We settled into our seats and after an uneventful take off, some most assuredly needed adult beverages [Not complimentary even… Really should have flown Alitalia again] and after an “OK” In-Flight meal, I whip out the laptop and compose this first installment of NOWAT – ESPAÑA.
We will have to wait till we find an Internet connection in Madrid to upload this, but the convenience of the laptop makes it easier to jot it all down while still fresh in mind. [I’m still getting used to the small keyboard layout… and the guy in front of me bounces around a lot …
But Hey… We’re ON OUR WAY!!!!
Ciao 4 Now
Chuck and the completely zonked, out but very content with herself, Cuban Lady..
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